My liver just broke up with me...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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