Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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