You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
