A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
