the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
