so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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