Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
