Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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