Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
