omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
3pm strippers are depressing
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
