but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
