my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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