What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
