Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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