Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
