I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
