no, he came in my armpit
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
