Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
