Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
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Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
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At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize