Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
