fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
