Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
