you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
