I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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