watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
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