Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
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He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
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Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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