hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Can I color on your dick again?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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