When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
