i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
