Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
