I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
