just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
