dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
