for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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