My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
