Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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