Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
