His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
