i jhust puked up my retainher.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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