the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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