My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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