i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
