1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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