So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
