the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
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we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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