DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
