I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
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she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
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You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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