barbara walters just said penis...
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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