Fine. I'll sleep in my office
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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