Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
