He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
