I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
