Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
