You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
you had me at cake vodka
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
