When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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