i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
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