Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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