The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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