grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I got inside last night via doggy door
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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